01
I'm a lackey in a male-oriented web novel.
Nothing special, except for the fact that I died and then came back to life.
The only problem? I resurrected at the worst possible moment—right after hugging the male protagonist's thigh and hopping aboard his pirate ship. It seems there's no getting off now.
Sigh.
02
Lackeys in male-oriented web novels have only two jobs.
The first is to provide resources to the male protagonist, and the second is to act as his meat shield.
But me? I'm different—I do both.
In my last life, I literally croaked taking a hit for the male protagonist.
Since you are not very familiar with our dear male protagonist, let me give you a quick intro.
The male protagonist's name is Wang Ao[1]—a name that sounds perfectly ordinary but carries just a hint of rebellious flair.
He started off as a young master from a wealthy family that had been close to mine for generations. He had no ambition and spent his days eating and drinking all day long, and was even betrothed to a noble young lady from birth. But, as fate would have it, disaster struck overnight—his family was wiped out, his fiancée humiliated him and broke off the engagement, and to top it all off, his meridians were shattered before he was thrown off a cliff. Of course, instead of dying like a normal person, he accidentally obtained an ancient inheritance and awakened the world's one-and-only Tyrant King Bloodline.
After that, Wang Ao played the long game—hiding his true strength, biding his time, and slapping faces left and right. Along the way, he collected new lackeys, stumbled upon countless opportunities, picked up beauties, and basically rode the ultimate power fantasy straight to the top. You could say he was the most successful man under the heavens.
As for me? I was the lucky one to buy in at rock bottom. Back when Wang Ao was still playing the pig to eat the tiger[2], I, in my infinite wisdom (read: dumb loyalty), decided to look out for him out of old friendship. So later on, I naturally became the male protagonist's on-call-round-the-clock No.1 lackey. For tens of thousands of years, I followed him without regrets as he conquered the world. I managed his treasury, handled his businesses, and appeased his ever-growing harem. It's not an exaggeration to say I was the chief eunuch of the palace.
Then came the final battle—Wang Ao vs. FINAL BOSS. He was just one step away from becoming a saint. And me? Well, I finally served my ultimate purpose. Use it or lose it, and my loss… was for a lifetime. Anyway, I took the fatal blow that gave Wang Ao the perfect opening for his last, desperate counterattack. He finally defeated the BOSS and completed his legendary saga, ascending to heaven and becoming an immortal right before my eyes.
As for me, my HP hit zero. Game over.
03
Honestly, dying wasn't so bad. I hadn't had a single day off in tens of thousands of years—finally clocking out for good was almost a relief.
In my last life, I just went with the flow, living solely for the male protagonist. Never once did I live for myself. The result? Even on the day I kicked the bucket, I was still nothing more than an extremely lonely worker. No loved ones, no one to care if I was hot or cold. All the cultivation and wealth in the world didn't mean a damn thing.
But who would have guessed that in this metaphysical world, even dying isn't permanent? Not only did time and space reverse, but I also got sent back tens of thousands of years into the past.
"Xiao Di, are you okay?"
Wrapped in bandages and with my eyes open, I looked numbly at the male protagonist before me. Looking at the face I would recognize even if it turned to dust, I let out a long, soul-weary sigh.
Why did it have to be this moment?
So. Freaking. Annoying.
04
This was the first time I took a knife for Wang Ao.
At this point, he was already a rookie who'd some decent achievements.
But, as the saying goes, fame portends trouble for people just as fattening does for pigs[3]. Because he had pissed off the young master of the Ghost Abyss Sect for no reason before, said young master came to kill him, but was stupid enough to end up being counter-killed instead. And, of course, killing the young one meant the old one came knocking. Wang Ao lost ground bit by bit and was about to be killed and thrown into Cold Pond in one move. Naturally, I, his ever-reliable meat shield, stepped forward.
"If you want to kill him, you'll have to kill me first!"
Result? We both got knocked into the water, and once again, we coincidentally broke a seal and found a secret cultivation technique.
Fast forward thousands of years, and I finally realized the truth. This bastard could have turned the tables and killed the Ghost Abyss Sect leader with a single blow, but he pretended to be defeated just to keep his true strength hidden. Anyway, in short, I was the biggest, most gullible scapegoat in history.
And now, the very cause of all my suffering is sitting by my bedside, staring at me with a face full of concern while nauseatingly clutching my right hand.
I should cooperate with you in the performance, but I can only pretend not to see it.
"I'm fine. No need to worry, Brother Wang."
"Xiao Di, you fool!" Wang Ao, Best Actor of the Year, looked at me, eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Why would you use your clan's secret technique, the Lianzhi Art, and cast it on the two of us? Why go that far?"
Because I was a fucking moron and didn't know shit.
05
The Lianzhi Art[4] is a hereditary technique of my Xiao family, passed down only to direct descendants.
Oh, right—forgot to mention, my Xiao family bloodline is… freaky.
Body smashed to pieces yet never perishing, one life shall always remain in this world.
No matter if we're skinned alive and our tendons pulled out, ground into paste—even if we're chopped into mincemeat—as long as a sliver of our true soul remains, we can be reborn, like plains burned down by wildfire regrow with a puff of spring breeze.
The Lianzhi Art binds the caster and the recipient together—one breath, one fate. The recipient's pain is shared and mitigated by the caster. As long as the recipient has even a single breath left, the power of the caster's blood will forcibly drag them back from the brink of death.
Simply put, laozi is the ultimate blood bag and will always add red to the male protagonist.
Fucking. Incredible.
Wang Ao enjoying his lavish feasts? I feel nothing. He flirts and seduces beauties left and right? No effect on me. But the moment he so much as scrapes his damn knee? I get to feel the same pain and work like crazy to heal him.
In my last life, I was a nanny to Wang Ao all my life, until I finally destroyed my body and soul to heal him and dissipated between heaven and earth.
This life, I wanted to escape but I can't. It's already too late.
The foolish, naïve version of myself had already resolutely cast the spell an hour ago to save his "brother" who had fallen into Cold Pond. There was no turning back.
I just don't understand. For generations, my Xiao family's Lianzhi Art has been used on partners, so why the hell did I waste it on this sonofabitch?!
"Xiao Di, have an apple. I just picked it."
Wang Ao stared at me, eyes and lips smiling.
Oh!
He's staring right at me, but I'm too scared to take a bite of this apple.
You ask me how I feel? Let's just say—my intestines have turned green with regret.
06
"Xiao Di, just focus on recovering."
I watched Wang Ao's oh-so-concerned act with deadpan eyes.
"No one expected there'd be a whole secret realm under this Cold Pond. There's an immortal's mansion down here, and it's fully stocked with food, clothes, shelter—you name it. Even if we stayed here for three to five years, we'd be perfectly fine."
Oh, spare me. Seriously. Don't bother.
I'm going crazy inside.
This bastard is straight-up scamming a moron like me. Last lifetime, Wang Ao said the exact same thing. Told me all this heartwarming crap until I was bawling like a baby, ready to carve out my heart to prove my loyalty. And guess what? This cave dwelling had a magic weapon hidden in it. Wang Ao wanted it for himself, so every day he'd run off to "gather herbs" to "treat my injuries"—but what he was really doing was duking it out with the magic weapon. Meanwhile, there I was, lying in bed crying every day over our unbreakable brotherhood, and this guy had already broken through again.
...Yeah. Whatever. I'm over it.
I lay on the jade bed, staring blankly at the glowing night pearls embedded in the wall.
Let Wang Ao do whatever he wants—conquer the world, ascend to godhood, whatever. As for me? The moment we get out of here, I'm packing my bags and going home.
I don't care if he goes to heaven or hell, I'll just go home and farm.
07
But this time something's off.
From the moment I got injured to the moment I started recovering, Wang Ao didn't leave my bedside for even a second—he was this close to wiping my ass and holding me while I peed. Scared the hell outta me.
But OK. Fine. Whatever.
He can do whatever the hell he wants. There are many things I don't know about this immortal's cave anyway—there's probably some new plot twist waiting to happen. As far as I'm concerned, my only job now is to lie flat[5].
Though, it would be great if Wang Ao didn't try to start a bullshit conversation with me every five minutes just to shoot the breeze.
"Xiao Di, what do you want to do when we go back this time?"
I mumbled, "Get as far away from you as possible."
If I'm doomed to die eventually, I'd at least like to have a few years of fun first.
"What was that?"
"Haha, nothing."
Never mind. I'm a wimp.
08
I spent a good ten days or so in that immortal mansion, eating and drinking well, and generally living the dream. By the time I followed Wang Ao out of the water, I was practically glowing—clean as a lotus emerging from the mud, untouched and unbothered, with a healthy layer of soft white chub to show for it.
The second we surfaced, we were surrounded by a bunch of people, all of whom asked about someone's well-being. Not me, of course.
"Ao-lang, are you alright?"
"Ao-lang, you made me worried sick!"
"Wang! I knew it - scourges live the longest[6]! No way you'd die that easy!"
I took one look at the group of beauties surrounding him—tall, short, curvy, willowy—and silently shuffled a few steps back to give them some romantic breathing room.
Honestly, just looking at that flock gave me a headache.
There were only three or four of them right now, and I was already feeling physically nauseous. And when I thought about the rest of the crowd that was bound to show up later, I wanted to kill myself right then and there.
Because let me tell you—in my last lifetime, Wang Ao had men and women following him like salmon in the spawning season. But even until I died, they had not decided the winner.
There is no way. Times have changed. This isn't the wild, anything-goes golden age of harem novels anymore. The higher-ups have rules now. Even if you're the male lead of a male-oriented power fantasy, you can't just go around "spreading love." You've got to stay pure for your one true love—even if you've got a harem of 30 million beauties, if it's not true love, you better keep it zipped. No real wife? Then below the neck content is banned.
Thank god I'm not the one stuck in that investment romance nightmare. Nothing worse than slogging through millions of chapters and still not getting any satisfaction… Man, he must be seriously pent-up.
Thinking of this, I looked at Wang Ao, who was surrounded by all those beauties, and felt a flicker of sympathy.
So what if you become a king or a saint, so what if you have 3000 beauties?
In the end, aren't you sleeping alone every night just like me?
I was gloating again.
Heh. HehHehHeh.
09
So I was all packed up, ready to peace out—hadn't even made it a mile out the door—and boom. Intercepted by Wang Ao.
"Xiao Di! Where do you think you are going?!"
Oh shit!
Wang Ao literally swooped in and scooped me up by the waist.
His broad-ass shoulders jabbed me right in the stomach. Ow!
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"You're not going anywhere! This lord[7] forbids you to take a single step away from me!"
Wang Ao's eyes were bloodshot, demonic marks crawling up his face, whole body leaking ominous black energy. Nothing like that usual gentlemanly, "young master in a messy world" vibe he always puts on.
It's like a fucking ghost doing parkour—scared the soul outta daddy[8].
"You okay?"
I poked this big brother in the shoulder, the rock solid muscles making my finger hurt.
Need a chill pill or something[9]?
10
Well, color me surprised. Never in my life did I expect to actually realize my dream of having a warm bed, a wife and child.
It's just strange, it's fucking strange that my wife is so large and laozi gave birth to the kid myself.
"Dad!"
"Hey!"
I reached out to hug my good son. Sure, he's a little gremlin, but damn if he isn't cute. I'm a face-con, so I've got zero resistance.
"What's wrong, A-Gou[10]?"
Yep, my darling boy took my last name. Full name: Xiao Gou[11].
"Mom's going to hit me again."
"Oh."
I set him down gently, patting A-Gou's head.
"Sounds like you probably deserve it."
And as expected, Wang Ao immediately stormed in cursing.
"You little brat! If I don't beat your ass today, I'll start calling you Dad!"
Hey, let's not mess with the family hierarchy now. Wouldn't that be hard for me to explain?
"What happened? What's got you this riled up?" I gave the little devil a wink to signal run for your life, then stepped in with the timeless classic, "He's just a kid. Don't stoop to his level."
"Xiao Di..." Wang Ao, the overbearing Heavenly Lord, was wearing peasant clothes and looked aggrieved. "That little demon peed on my head while I was squatting to wash my hair."
Legend. Absolute legend. That's my boy.
"Oh, you poor man." I looked at his fluffy black hair and blinked innocently. "Why don't you go back to being a Heavenly Lord? There will be different beauties lining up to wash your hair every day."
Wang Ao gave me that disgustingly affectionate look that gave me instant goosebumps.
"Xiao Di, you're being silly again."
"Oh."
I gave a long sigh.
Who told this lunatic to destroy his own primordial spirit and shatter his inner core in his previous life to reverse time? He could have lived it up but insists on pestering me instead.
Guess I'll just roll with it. Ain't like I can dump him.
11
I'm a lackey in a male-oriented web novel.
Nothing special, except for the fact that I died and then came back to life.
Oh, and now the male protagonist's done with cultivating immortality.
He insists on settling down to farm with me. And be a dad to my kid.
Sigh.
Ending.
[1] 王 骜: 王 means king/grand and 骜 means a noble steed; untamed.
[2] 扮豬吃老虎: to play dumb to take advantage of someone.
[3] 人怕出名猪怕壮: fame has its price.
[4] 连枝诀: link branch spell
[5] 躺平: to quiet quit; stop struggling.
[6] From the folk saying 好人不长命，祸害遗千年 aka "good people die young, villains/baddies live for thousands of years."
[7] Wang Ao says 本尊 (běnzuò) a first person pronoun used by deities/powerful beings in Chinese fiction.
[8] 真是他妈的非洲黑人跳水——黑老子一跳. It's one of those absurd, over-the-top metaphors that Chinese internet humor loves. It’s basically: "Something so unexpected and ridiculous it gave me a heart attack."
[9] 没事吃点溜溜梅？is a meme which comes from a 溜溜梅 (a popular Chinese sour plum candy) ad. I've tried an English equivalent.
[10] 狗: dog.
[11] 萧苟. 苟 (gǒu) and 狗 (gǒu) are homophones. Xiao Di slyly calls his son Little Dog.
Translator:
Next chapter is from Wang Ao's POV~
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