Chapter 168 Do you miss ge, darling?
It had almost been a month, every day had been hectic, and time had flown by. Tian Yuan was most miserable when he was alone at home, because that was when he felt exceptionally lonely. All he could do was smoke a cigarette and surf the net; this was the time when he missed Pan Lei tremendously.
The entire city was sleeping, but Tian Yuan's lights remained on; he simply leaned against the window and smoked quietly.
Yearning had made him irritable from the inside out. So much so that even the smoke rings he spit forth revealed his loneliness.
I miss him, I miss him something awful. Pan Lei would assure him that he was "safe and sound" every time they spoke on the phone. He was alright, there was nothing to be concerned about, and Tian Yuan should just concentrate on his studies; he would take care of the rest. Tian Yuan wanted to return early because he knew there were people in the family who missed him.
He would pick up the phone and whine to Pan Lei about how dirty his clothes were, how bad the meal was, and how weary he was when he got home, mentioning minor details like his elbow unintentionally hitting the table. He wouldn't feel wronged only after he heard Pan Lei's succession of coaxing words.
Pan Lei constantly shouted things like, "Baby, baby, my baby!" or "You're my only love, my dear." Although corny, he sorely wanted to hear Pan Lei say, "my baby, ge's good baby, ge misses you" at this point.
Sweetness suffused his heart every time he heard Pan Lei call him that. Outside, that rough and uncivilized man, no different than a bandit, was a hooligan, but once he returned to his side, he was his man. He spoiled him, adored him, cared for him like a child, and cherished him like a treasure. Pan Lei had fully spoiled him, but so what? Even if he never cooked a meal for him in his life, he would not be able to have a child of his own with him, but their love and affection would be deeper and harder than everyone else's.
Falling in love was for a lifetime, and he would always love Pan Lei as he had previously. Even if he was old and gray-haired, even in the afterlife, he wanted this man.
His unwavering devotion allowed him the confidence to act like a spoiled child or to run to him for a hug when he felt wronged. Even if it was a minor issue, he could discuss it with Pan Lei.
Tian Yuan didn't think he was long-winded before, but now he would talk to Pan Lei for a long time even if there was a new flower bud in the yard. He also learned how to take photographs. He would send images to Pan Lei whenever he discovered a novelty, had a whim, or took a joyful selfie.
He went online everyday, and he received an email from Pan Lei everyday. There was also phone calls from him. He would also sing "green flowers in the army" to him before falling asleep. But none of this could diminish his longing; instead, it became stronger and deeper.
He had become someone who would die without Pan Lei because he had been spoiled to the extreme. If something happened to Pan Lei, if he let go of his hand halfway, there was no way he could live alone.
But he would never tell Pan Lei that he was addicted to cigarettes, that he could now finish a pack in two days, that he liked staying up late, and that he emailed him in the middle of the night to tell him about his study progress, meeting a beautiful woman on the bus, describing how the puppy from the next door neighbor ran over to pee, and asking about him and telling how much he missed him.
Oh my gods, it's only been a few days, a month to be exact! There are eleven months left. Tian Yuan missed Pan Lei so much that he wondered how long he could stay in England. He was worried that one day he would be unable to bear missing Pan Lei and would simply buy a plane ticket and return. No matter how good the surroundings were, how pleasant the neighbors were, how excellent the learning environment was, and how wonderful everything was by his side, it was still not enough without Pan Lei.
His yearning grew, and the lovesickness made him feel as though he couldn't hold on any longer.
The phone then 'dinged' due to a received SMS. Pan Lei had sent a text message.
Pan Lei guessed Tian Yuan was going to bed, so he merely texted him, telling him to grab a quilt at night: Hey sweetheart, it's still a little cold in spring, so don't forget to cover yourself with a quilt. I really want to sleep with you in my arms. I'll hold you even if you kick the quilt, and it won't freeze you. I'm kissing and touching your little head. Now, be good.
Tian Yuan grinned. Pan Lei would constantly say something dubious to tease him, but it always made him smile.
Pan Lei was surprised to hear his phone ring. Given the time difference, it should be the middle of the night at Tian Yuan's end.
"Why are you still awake at this hour? Are you staying up all night writing a paper? Go to bed quickly! If not, you could become a national treasure tomorrow[1]."
Pan Lei frowned. He never let Tian'er stay up late in China, always wondering: Can he handle staying up late with his weak physique?
"Listen to me. Don't think I can't do anything if you go abroad. Shouldn't you think about yourself before letting loose and messing around like a wild horse? Can you endure it with your small body? Be good, baby. Go to sleep obediently."
Pan Lei sighed when Tian Yuan remained silent.
"Can't sleep? Are you suffering from insomnia, baby? Why don't I ask my mother to buy something calming and mail it to you? Or, I'll sing you a song to coax you? Come, tell gege what you want to hear. Green flowers in the army?"
Tian Yuan's eyes were wet. Pan Lei knew him so well that he could guess his thoughts no matter when he phoned.
It was the familiar voice and man, so why couldn't he be seen via the phone line? If he was around, he would fiercely hug him, bite his lips, and kiss him.
Pan Lei laughed quietly.
"My good baby. Does my family’s darling miss me?"
His voice was low, like if he were speaking in his ear. Tian Yuan seemed to sense it, as if his breath had moved the tiny hairs on his ears and directly to his heart.
I do miss you. I miss you like crazy.
"Are you crying? I can't see you crying right now, you moron."
Pan Lei sighed and thought: Ancestor, my darling, don't make ge worry like this. It breaks ge's heart to pieces.
"Nonsense, how can I?"
Tian Yuan eventually spoke, though he was choked up with emotion. He, however, resisted. After all, he had no reason to be upset at this moment. And how could he cry like a girl when he wasn't one? And even if he cried and made a fool of himself, he should be in front of Pan Lei. When he noticed it, he would hold him and gently coax him.
Pan Lei heard it, but he didn't dare to offer anything romantic or coaxing. He was terrified that Tian'er would weep. He would be uncomfortable and feel distress if Tian'er sobbed.
"Wah~ My baby has a cold heart. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't want me. I'm going to tell your mother-in-law that you’re giving your husband the silent treatment."
Pan Lei played tricks solely to make him laugh.
He was aware that Tian Yuan had recently started rambling and talking to himself as a means to relieve his loneliness. He pretended that Pan Lei was with him and that the two of them lived together.
"Tian'er? Are you sleeping, baby? Let me tell you about our elite squad. The recruits are all excellent, and they completed their missions admirably. The top brass complimented me for another exemplary military service. They want to raise my military rank as well. Are you happy for me, Tian'er? Before retiring from the army, I hope to be a major general or possibly a lieutenant general. What prestige to be a member of the general's family! But you'll be more impressive than me at that point. My mother has stated that she will retire when you return to China and take over the cardiothoracic department."
Tian Yuan rested against the headboard, his heart relaxed as he listened to his meaningless idle comments. As if he were still in China, still at home, when he was often just speaking like this with Pan Lei. They talked on the phone for a long time before retiring to bed, and he occasionally fell asleep while listening to his remarks.
Pan Lei's rambling ability had reached its peak. Even if the subject was a puppy, he could happily talk for an hour. Pan Lei had an uncanny understanding of Tian Yuan's psyche. He was lonely as an expat, living away from his family and friends; even he was absent. Tian Yuan couldn't sleep because he was under a lot of stress and had a big burden on his heart. He could only fall asleep if someone helped him relax his nerves.
Pan Lei was afraid that if he didn't tease him, his nerves would become agitated and he would be unable to sleep. So he rambled, telling Tian Yuan what he ate and how he spent his day. How could that logistics head have been so cheap, and so on.
Pan Lei paused for a minute after going on for half an hour. He noticed Tian Yuan's breathing had slowed and assumed he was asleep.
"Baby, are you sleeping? Then sweet dreams."
Tian Yuan, who was dazedly listening to him, jerked awake when his voice ended.
"Ge."
Tian Yuan softly called out ge while holding the phone.
"Baby."
Pan Lei lovingly told him, "Go to sleep, baby, go to sleep. You have to go to school tomorrow, so don't become exhausted because your course is very demanding."
"Ge, I miss you."
Pan Lei realized how aggrieved Tian Yuan was. He was being coquettish, and his sweet voice saying "I miss you" revealed his intense longing. Tian Yuan disliked uttering things like "I love you" and similar phrases. He would have kept playing tough if he hadn't run into the softest portion of his heart. He missed Pan Lei, he couldn't sleep, he wanted to be with him, therefore there was nothing wrong with calling him, even if it was just to listen to his voice.
"Ge misses you as well, sweetheart. I'm waiting for you, and you're waiting for me as well. I'll see you soon."
"There are eleven months left. I'm working very hard in class. I want to finish my studies here as quickly as possible, but the process is still so long."
Tian Yuan protested that the time of separation was too long and the distance was too great. They were far apart, and talking over the phone couldn't convey his feelings. He was spoiled, so much so that he couldn't live without him.
"Listen to me, honey, it's nothing, nothing, and it'll be over soon. Don't put yourself under too much stress. I know you work really hard, but I don't want you to work as if your life depended on it. As it is a one-year course, you must complete it in one year. Don't try to squeeze it into ** months; that will be exhausting. You're already frail, and if you continue to work without rest, you'll be in the hospital for a few months when you return. How can you do that?"
Tian Yuan knew perfectly well that he was being a little unreasonable, but he always felt that it was not enough. Pan Lei's love over the phone was simply not enough. He wanted him by his side, pampering him to high heaven like he was at home.
"Don't go on a wild goose chase. You can't eat a fatty in one bite[2], foolish baby. You can just study at your current rate. I will work hard to apply for a leave of absence, and I hope to visit you soon. Isn't it fine? Take care of yourself, and maybe I'll pop up one day."
"Can I consider that a Christmas surprise? I simply cannot sleep and gave you a call. You think I don't know you yet. If you can travel abroad as you please, then pigs can also climb trees."
"Is your mood better?"
Tian Yuan grinned. How could he have been blind to the fact that Pan Lei was only coaxing him? He was a commando; how could he freely travel abroad? Wasn't this even harder than a pig climbing a tree? It was just something he said to make him happy, but he couldn't believe it.
"Sing me green flowers in the army once again, and I'll sleep."
Footnotes:
[1] PL is basically suggesting that if TY doesn't sleep, he will wake up with panda eyes, or dark eye circles. The Chinese people regard pandas as national treasures.
[2] major things must be done in stages.
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