I heard the first cry.
Standing outside that dilapidated hut, I saw her, almost half-dead, joyfully holding the newborn life in her arms.
That was the third time I saw her.
She and I look 90% similar.
The first time I saw her, the man I once cared for the most abandoned me to save her.
The second time I saw her, the man I once cared for the most was living alone with her in an intimate relationship.
The third time I saw her, the man I once cared for the most was dead[1], and she and her child were starving.
Zimiao, a name I never wanted to mention in my life.
An immortal in the heavens, Water God of the Four Directions, he gave me, this naughty and unruly tree demon, a brand new life, gave me happiness and beauty that I dared not hope for, gave me endless longing. But when I realized I was just a substitute for this woman before me, the perfect world he built for me collapsed instantly.
I've been hating him all along, haven't I? And I've been hating this woman too, haven't I? I'm not entirely sure myself.
From the day Zimiao disappeared, I've been like a living dead, leading a ghostly existence on Mount Fulong. If it weren't for the evil dragon named Ao Chi constantly by my side, accompanying or rather monitoring me, I would have doubted my own existence even more.
Yes, during that time, the definition of existence to me was that I was alive, but I felt like I was already dead.
I promised Ao Chi that I would not leave Mount Fulong for three years.
Although that evil dragon is boorish and annoying, he understands what it means to be heartbroken by reminders of the past.
But I still broke that promise.
I wanted to see her, the female immortal Xuechang with whom he once pledged undying love, and more importantly, I wanted to see her child.
This child carries Zimiao's blood, the only evidence that he ever truly existed in this world.
I said I would give up and move on, but I still couldn't resist seeking inexplicable nostalgia and hope from every place marked by his presence.
I obviously hated them, but at the moment of this child's birth, I found myself smiling through tears.
Accompanying the child's appearance was a sudden refreshing drizzle falling from the sky.
If I remember correctly, it has been a long time since it rained in this mountainous area, and the ground is showing shallow cracks.
She is the daughter of the Water God. Perhaps her birth, like her father's passing, will nourish this world with life.
I stood by the window, watching the little face wailing in her mother's arms. Those bright and round eyes, like black grapes, gradually stopped crying when they turned in my direction. To my surprise, the child giggled at me, her grinning toothless tiny mouth making her little face resemble a rosy apple even more.
Such a smile touched the most delicate part of my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I turned away.
I hope this child is happy.
This thought lasted only a moment. Then I quickly scorned my own "self-flattering[2]." This is his child with another woman. Whether she's happy or not had nothing to do with me.
Conflicted, I returned to Mount Fulong. Of course, I sneaked down the mountain. Upon my return, I was inevitably scolded by that irritable and talkative[3] evil dragon, accusing me of always wasting time on meaningless and boring matters.
I ignored him. We are not creatures from the same world. Meaningful or meaningless, I didn't care. I just wanted to go and see.
The last time I saw Ni Xuechang was at a place called Water Moon Pavilion in Zhuge Manor.
I didn't know Zimiao left a leaf talisman for her. This talisman made of the leaf from my true form is the best tool to find me. Once, no matter where I wandered off to, as long as Zimiao burned the leaf talisman, I knew he was looking for me.
When she looked at me face to face, I always felt like I was looking into a mirror.
She and I look so much alike. Haha, of course we do. Hers was the appearance Zimiao recalled when he granted me a human form.
She was still beautiful, but after all, she was an ordinary flesh and blood mortal now, and time had mercilessly left the vicissitudes of life on her face.
As for me, a demon, time holds no significance for my appearance.
She will grow old and die, but I will not.
Should I feel a sense of superiority?
No, not only did I not feel superior, but deep down, my envy of her was even stronger.
I hate her, yet I envy her. I hate that she occupied that man's heart before me, yet I envy her for having a complete relationship. Even though they were separated in the end, from beginning to end, Zimiao had only ever loved her, which is a rare kind of completeness.
"Zimiao always kept this leaf talisman as a memento, carrying it with him." She smiled faintly at me, "Seeing oneself in the mirror[4], the child's name was chosen by him long ago. He said that regardless of gender, the child would be called Jingjun. I never understood the reason behind this name until after he left, when I saw myself in the mirror while dressing up," she lowered her long eyelashes, "I then realized that he had always been thinking of the person in the mirror, the one who looked like me but lived in a world I could never reach."
I remained silent for a while, feeling a sudden sting in my nose.
"You burned this only leaf talisman not just to tell me the origin of your daughter's name, did you?" I asked in a mocking tone, successfully concealing my sadness.
She knelt before me.
I was in a panic. I didn't help her up, nor could I have helped her up, frozen there like a fool.
"Please protect Jingjun until she's capable of protecting herself," she pleaded.
So that's why she called me.
I secretly breathed a sigh of relief.
If she knew that when her daughter fell from the cliff while gathering herbs years ago, if not for me, she would have suffered more than just superficial injuries; if she knew that I had been by her daughter's side since her birth, from her early babbling to seeing her run and jump; if she knew that it was I who disguised myself as a farmer, teaching her to identify the herbs in the mountains, otherwise how could she never be wrong at such a young age?
This child's father had taught me many things, and now it was my turn to teach his daughter.
Even when she fell seriously ill at the age of ten, I had prepared the best panacea, but another man beat me to it.
I watched the mother and daughter being welcomed into Zhuge Manor and guessed their future lives.
In any case, they didn't have to wander or go hungry. Staying in a grand house with fine clothes and delicious food was perhaps the most satisfactory ending for them.
Why does a person sheltered by Zhuge Manor need a tree demon to protect her?
Ni Xuechang didn't say why, only seeking my agreement.
I tightly sealed my lips, offering no response.
As I left Water Moon Pavilion, I saw Jingjun sleeping peacefully, her serene and innocent features faintly showing his reflection.
I liked her name, just as I once liked my own name.
Only then did I realize that I could no longer summon any hatred when it came to Zimiao. Seeing that sleeping little girl, all I felt was tender affection, nothing else.
"Take care of yourself." I deliberately raised my eyebrows coldly, not allowing this woman to detect any softness in me, even though in my heart, I had already agreed to her request.
Although I'm just a not-so-powerful demon with limited abilities, I will protect this child named Jingjun. Because she is Zimiao's daughter.
People in the know speak of Zhuge Jun with both respect and fear. They respect his ability to support a great enterprise despite his young age, and fear his ruthless actions - despite being an ordinary mortal, he takes what he loves and destroys what he hates, always getting what he wants by hook or by crook.
Some say that Zhuge Jun's most formidable weapon is his desire that is different from ordinary people, driving him to successfully conquer every undertaking.
That night, I brushed past Zhuge Jun as he returned home.
Of course, he couldn't see me. But I detected a strange scent from this man.
I turned to look at his tall and imposing figure, sensing some kind of danger lurking beneath that exterior. However, as a low-level demon with shallow cultivation, my sensing abilities were too weak to accurately describe what permeated from Zhuge Jun.
Even after he disappeared from my sight, my gaze remained fixed in that direction.
Zhuge Jun…
I kept this name firmly in my mind.
The day after I left Zhuge Manor, Ni Xuechang committed suicide by taking poison, ending her relatively short life.
When I heard the news, I finally understood why Zimiao chose to save her instead of me when both of us were in danger all those years ago. It wasn't solely because she was the woman he truly loved, but because she was truly too weak, too weak to bear any harm, whether physical or emotional. If it weren't for the young girl she had to entrust, her life would have ended even earlier.
Without Zimiao, she found it hard to even breathe.
I have no intention of judging this woman for her "weakness."
Perhaps in the eyes of the world, such women are even more endearing. When it comes to making a choice, the one who is sacrificed is often the one who is "strong" enough, and the reason is simple — she can't live without me, but you can, because you're stronger than her.
Whenever I think of this, my heart still aches.
I visited her grave and placed a shy half-opened orchid.
I stood in silence for a while, then turned and left.
Footnotes:
[1] 形神俱灭: body and soul entirely wiped out.
[2] 自作多情: to display affection regardless of whether the other party accepts it; to imagine that one's affection is reciprocated. In general, to indulge in one's own wishful thinking; to flatter oneself.
[3] 多嘴: talkative, to blab. In this case, it's talk out of turn; to shoot one's mouth off.
[4] 见镜如君: I don't know if I got this right.
No comments:
Post a Comment